Green Glade Hackers 3 - 4 U Know When U've Been Uglow'd

Another match, another chainsaw-wielding maniac with an elf to grind!

The Hackers took to the field once more with a sense of growing trepidation. Someone was out to get them. They were certain of it. Was it their imagination, or was that the same Amazon whispering into the ear of the humans’ star player that was in the crowd last game?

No, surely not...


Despite a second loss in as many games, the Hackers showed more form against the U Knows than in their previous defeat.

Sporting no less than three Journeymen (or elves) this time, they weren’t short of fodder to throw at Helmut Wulf and his elf-churning secret weapon. Miraculously, despite managing to bribe his way back onto the pitch after the U Knows’ first touchdown, Wulf only managed to kill one of the Journeymen before their second touchdown consigned him to the sidelines.

The Hackers trailed by two touchdowns at half time, and they knew it would take something pretty special to conjure a win in the second half. Unfortunately, though tantalizingly close, the magic never quite happened. A non-existent defence meant that although the Hackers scrambled three touchdowns in the second half, they allowed the U Knows to steal another two in return.

One fan was so angry at yet another poor performance from the wood elves that he lobbed a rock with shocking accuracy and force at Athelan the Wild, almost killing him were it not for the skill of the team’s all-too-active apothecary.

In the end, the U Knows played with some tremendous skill and, with their exceedingly agile catcher, managed to out-elf the elves and beat them at their own game.


Meanwhile, with the final game of the season next week, the Hackers sadly have nothing left to play for but pride as the face ‘Stick It To The Man’, the league’s only Amazon team.

AMAZON!?

Wait a minute...

Green Glade Hackers 0 - 2 Broken Tooth Boyz

Well, the Hackers’ thirteenth match couldn’t have gone much worse, really. After a string of uplifting wins, the elves were already celebrating their next as they skipped gaily out onto the pitch. After all, the orcs were slow, clumsy and extremely dim-witted. What would they know about the art and finesse that is Blood Bowl?

As it turns out, they didn’t need to know anything. Wary of the Hackers’ recent good form, they felt it appropriate to mobilize a small army of mercenaries to grind their opponents into the dirt instead. Even the mighty Varag Goul-Chewer had been persuaded to march beneath their banner.

The result was a veritable elf-hammering, leading to the death of Tarquin Bluebell and the near-crippling of Wardancer Stark-Elm the Reckless.

And that’s not even mentioning the maniac with the chainsaw who was running around!

Even worse, it was that same maniac with a chainsaw who scored the Broken Tooth Boyz’ first touchdown. Despite being sent off immediately after the drive for his blatant breaking of the rules, the referee was convinced by several of the larger orcs (and said chainsaw) that it would be in his best interests to let the touchdown stand...

Most of the Hackers decided rather early on in the game that it would probably be best to stay in the dug-out for the rest of the match, leaving scant few to attack or defend. Under the circumstances, perhaps they should feel glad that they were only beaten by two touchdowns.


As their final matches approach, it looks unlikely that the Hackers will rise above, or stay in, their second place position in the league – and with thirteen matches to go for the Broken Tooth Boyz, they are well and truly on their way to greatness...

Green Glade Hacker 5 - 0 The Slaaneshi Chargers

Any of the Hackers fans who packed their water wings and beach volleyball kits for their trip to the Pleasure Beach were sorely disappointed today. It really wasn’t quite what they had expected.

Although, true, those fans who enquired of the Slaaneshi supporters where they might buy a knotted hanky and a cider-flavoured iced lolly were more often than not bitten on the face, the violence on the pitch was far less rampant. In fact, by Blood Bowl standards, this match was rather tame. This of course suited the Hackers fans down to the (very green) ground, but it left the Chargers fans spitting with rage – so much so that many of them went straight out after the match and bought Northern Waste Betrayers shirts.

The only glimpse of any kind of serious injury came when one of the Chargers was sent off for their foul on ‘Zipper’ Hare-Foot, but luckily for the Hackers’ rising star, the team’s Apothecary was quick to sew him back together and churn him back out onto the pitch.

In the end, the Hackers fans certainly could not complain about the score-line. This was their best result of the season, despite facing a robust and cunning opponent, and the two Wardancers seemed happy to sit back in defence and harry the Chargers while allowing the team’s catchers to soak up all of the glory for once.

In spite of this tremendous result, the Hackers couldn’t help but feel dirty as they left the Pleasure Beach. Dirty, yet slightly aroused...

Green Glade Hackers 3 - 1 Dark Crag Assassins

‘Those bitches are mental!’ cried Stormwind. A little harsh, but then the Wood Elves never really were famed for liking girls. The Dark Crag Assassins liked to power forwards with their Witch Elves, punishing any players who strayed too close to the sidelines, and the Green Glade Hackers paid dearly at the hands of the crowd more than once.

‘Go Long’ Glorfindel managed to spend several stints in the reserves box after refusing to believe that any elf could be so fierce and it was only the sheer experience and skill of the Golden Tornado that prevented her from being ejected herself on at least two occasions.

The match was one of outrageous luck and shocking misfortune, most of the luck going to the Hackers and most of the misfortune... Well, it is an unlucky team indeed which can have a player trip as they tear into the endzone, only to then have to watch as one of the Wood Elf catchers manages to single-handedly shunt one of the aforementioned witches into the crowd, seriously injuring her, before a grinning Wardancer skips merrily up the pitch with the dropped ball...

In truth, the Dark Elves had done everything right, but somehow the gods of fortune which smiled upon them during the start of the season had now turned their eyes to newer wards.

Of course, being an Assassins game, the whole thing was marred by violence. Dacex Darkbull smashed the collar bone of Helfen Acorn-Doom so badly that his continued appearance on the team (after several previous injuries) is now in doubt. The Hackers also lost the Auburn Assassin from their next game after some poorly-timed acrobatics left him with a fractured leg – although it is thought that he will make a full recovery soon. The highest profile injuries were no doubt the two Witch Elves: Amber Warbull received a smashed hip from the Wood Elf stands while Sadie Nightrift, who was brought down by Stormwind, had to sit out the final minutes of the game.

All-in-all, a great result for the Hackers and – although disappointing for the Assassins – this is one that is destined to be a fan-favourite for some years to come.

Green Glade Hackers 4 - 0 Northern Waste Betrayers

The skies above Athel Loren darkened, its magnificent blues giving way to the pulsating, ever-changing hues of Tzeentch and the distressed Wood Elves knew for certain that Chaos had come to the forest...


‘Who’s that cow?’ asked the Hackers fans as they watched Dutch Rudder square up against ‘The Outrageous’ Girth. The minotaur’s hooves gouged the pitch and its eyes were misted with blind fury. Relentlessly, it attacked the Treeman, but its horns simply couldn’t pierce his ancient bark. And this, from the very start of the match, was a malady that did not blight the minotaur alone, but seemed to spread throughout the Chaos team. Some speculated that the Betrayers’ recent abandonment of Khorne had angered the Blood God mightily and that it was for this reason that none of these once-powerful beasts could harm even elves.


But Khorne’s curse ran deeper than merely weakening the Betrayers. Mired with foul fortune, nothing the beasts did would grant them a touchdown. Players tripped and fumbled their way around the pitch as the Hackers scored one, two, three, four touchdowns to give them their finest result of the season so far, a much-needed win after several lacklustre draws.


The Hackers wished their opponents well as they left the forest, offering gifts of luck charms and baskets of carrots for the minotaur. Their most valuable gift though was their sage advice.


‘Have you ever thought of trying Nurgle?’

Green Glade Hackers 3 - 3 Lothern Dolphins

In a scandalous display of tit-for-tat, the Hackers almost refused to take to the field today. This was prompted by the refusal of the Lothern Dolphins to play until their savage woodland cousins removed their angry tree from the centre of the pitch. Not to be outdone, the Hackers demanded the re-styling of the Dolphins’ hair to something less ‘mincy’ before they would leave the dug-out.


In the end, after several hours and much tutting and hair-flicking, both teams were finally marched onto the pitch at spear-tip by the now-rioting fans. By the time the Dolphins kicked off, the clock had already run well into the first half and it had started to rain...


This match had been billed as Elf-Off: The Stormwind versus the Tsunami Defence, and the ensuing battle could surely leave few disappointed. The Hackers took the early lead before shaking the Dolphins’ confidence with a second touchdown during the High Elf drive. Unfortunately, seeing victory shining like the sun on pretty daisies, the Hackers let their guard slip and the Dolphins pranced home with a touchdown just before half-time, leaving them still well and truly in the game.


Spurred on by their half-time camomile, the Hackers tried once more to break the Dolphin drive with their newly devised ‘Tuna-Net Defence’. However, despite managing to catch the ball that he had just kicked, ‘Zipper’ Hare-Foot was swiftly beaten to the ground, resulting in a much-needed Dolphins equalizer and an injury that will leave him very doubtful for the next game.


Disaster struck for the Hackers in the last minutes of the match. With their usual burst of defiant athleticism, the woodlanders tore up the pitch with the ball to once more put themselves in the lead and most probably claim the victory. Stark-Elm the Reckless, despite his name, slowed as he reached the line, lest he aggravate any old injuries, leaving him vulnerable to the fabled might of the Tsunami Defence. When the wave struck, he was knocked off his feet just inches from glory and the Dolphins, in spectacular manner, launched the ball to the opposite end of the pitch and scored.


Stormwind, not to be out-done, used the final seconds of the match to show Stark-Elm the meaning of the word ‘reckless’. He charged forwards and surfed the Tsunami to the most unlikely of equalizers, saving face for the Hackers, though failing to prove that they were their cousins’ betters.

Green Glade Hackers 0 - 0 Uglow's Ironbreakers

‘This lot’s worse than the last buggers!’ the murmur in the stands went up from the Wood Elves which made up half of the modest crowd. Once more, the Hackers were facing the diminutive might of the dwarfs, this time on their own (depressingly stony) turf. However, not only was Flint Churnblade once more greasing up the gnarled teeth of his trusty chainsaw, but something much more menacing had rumbled across the stone pitch to the scrimmage line.


It looked like one of those new-fangled ‘Patented Modyrn Woode Chippyrs’ that had taken the Old World by storm, all spikes and wheels and groaning gears. The dwarfs were more succinct though, simply naming it the Elf Grinder...


The journeyman (or elf) in the cursed number 6 shirt broke out in a cold sweat as he stood in front of it and the first whistle blew.



The dwarfs started as they meant to go on, receiving the kick-off and flattening every elf they could get their hands on before even thinking of picking up the ball.


It was a slow, grinding, bloody half. Girth the Treeman stood proudly before the death-roller in the defence of his team-mates and was flattened, but he got up again. Then he was flattened again (and again) until eventually he was knocked unconscious for most of the rest of the game.


Meanwhile, the few elves who remained on the pitch after the initial onslaught managed to hold off the Ironbreakers until the last moments of the first half, when one of the dwarfs managed a spectacular interception followed by an equally spectacular throw. Unfortunatley, the inevitable touchdown was thwarted by the receiving player tripping as he ran over the line!


Half-time came and, having forgotten to bribe the referee beforehand, the Elf Grinder was ejected from the pitch. The dwarf fans cared nothing of this though, as the roar of Flint’s chainsaw echoed through the stands.


The Ironbreakers’ defence was almost unstoppable, allowing no easy path across the pitch for the nimble Hackers. Flint’s chainsaw raised a healthy (or unhealthy...) tally as it butchered its way through the elves, even bringing low Stormwind, the greatest of them.


In the end, fate sneered upon the Hackers as, seconds from the final whistle, Athelan the Wild tripped as she bolted for the line, ending the game with an echo of the dwarf’s earlier misfortune.


The crowd shrugged miserably, ‘that’s Blood Bowl for you,’ but such a lack of touchdowns, fouls and (more importantly) too many serious injuries on either side, left the fans sorely disappointed...

Green Glade Hackers 3 - 1 Dwarf Warhammerers

As the near-record crowd gathered in the Hackers’ woodland stadium (Fire Safety Certificate in the post), the tension between the opposing fans mounted palpably. After all, the dwarfs sneered, these weren’t just posh, silver-clad, poem-reciting, spike-eared, tear-shedding, dress-wearing, horse-loving High Elves... these were Wood Elves, the Friends of the Foliage, the Lovers of the Leaves or, in the ancient dwarfish, Grun Dron Noh-Noh (Trans: Touchers of the Furry Folk). These lunatics didn’t even wear armour!

As the home team faced off against the Dwarf Warhammerers though, the jeers and chants of the crowd were but a distant murmur. The Hackers, having convincingly defeated the Grinning Moons in their last game, were fast hoping to become the giant killers of the league, if their opponents stood but a little taller, at least...


Their morale (and bowel control) loosened a little as they watched Flint Churnblade waddling onto the field, his balance up-ended by the roaring chainsaw that was brandished above his head.


‘Zipper’ Hare-Foot was in fact heard to comment when he saw the smoke billowing from the back of the dread-machine, ‘That can’t be good for the trees!’


Girth the Treeman was however, more worried about the other end.


As the game began, the shout of ‘ONE...! TWO...! THREE...!’ went up on the side-lines. It was not, in fact, the coaching staff timing the start of the elves’ plays, but rather the tally of touchdowns which the Hackers had managed to dance past the dwarf lines in quick succession.


Then the second half began, Flint cranked his chainsaw, and the payback began...


The dwarfs struck at the heart of their opponents with a surgical precision that would make even a Dark Elf assassin proud, with Flint chopping and booting his way through the elf lines until he was finally sent off for a blatant foul that utilized the assistance of no less than six other players!


By half way through the second half, most of the Hackers were languishing in the dug-out, either unconscious or badly hurt – but all of them quite thankful that they were still alive!


Once again, the cursed number 6 journeyman came off worse with a serious injury which ended his career for the Hackers, and all the while, the dwarfs inched slowly towards the end zone, eventually getting the ball over the line as the last of the spectators were donning their cloaks and heading for the exits.


As Bobart Fleetfoot looked up to the stands to celebrate his score, he realised that the Dwarf Warhammerers were the only people left in the stadium and that night had fallen.

Mortalis 3 - 2 Green Glade Hackers

The Hackers suffered their first defeat of the League today and its bitter sting chilled their hearts like the clouding of the sun on the gayest spring afternoon!


Alas! The leaves of Athel Loren wither from the drought of joy whilst the silver-singing rivers swell with the tears of the land!


Woe! The lark-song is silenced from the dawn as the carrion grow restless in the bows of the trees!


Weep, oh Brothers of the Oak and Sisters of the Willow! Weep, for this tale I scribe is the herald of our crashing doom!


Terror filled the hearts of the Wood Elves as the vile dead-things lurched onto the field yet, despite losing the toss, the elves were granted the first drive.


A touchdown came quickly, but it was a hard-fought victory, bought with the blood of the Hackers’ hired help. The team’s relatively novice apothecary shrugged as the journeyman was carried limply from the pitch.


Another touchdown followed, but this time for the undead, who managed to kill the Hackers’ part-time cheerleader, ‘Thoroughly Dubious’ Duran, maim Athelan the Wild and knock unconscious both Helfen Acorn-Doom and Twister Pine-Cone in the process of scoring.


With so few players still standing, Mortalis steamed ahead with a second touchdown, leaving the elves feeling, as Stormwind was to later put it, ‘rather gloomy’.


Half-time could not have come too soon...


As the second half began (foretelling the great calamity that was before them), the Hackers wondered why the recently-expired Duran could be seen in the Mortalis dug-out, chewing on the still-warm limbs of the departed journeyman.


The ball sailed down the pitch after the Hackers’ kick-off and the golden-haired Lady of Loren shone her light onto the elves, filling their hearts with merriment and joy, and they blitzed forward. Stormwind caught the ball before it even touched down and danced past the loping undead defence to score an equalizer.


The undead weren’t exactly quick to respond, but they were certainly relentless. They shambled through the elven defence, knocking them flat as they went. The only player not constantly planted face-first in the pitch was treeman ‘The Outrageous’ Girth, who did little during the match but get mummy-bandages tangled in his branches.


Despite their every effort to stop Mortalis, the Hackers simply couldn’t prevent them from scoring their third touchdown and, try as they might, they were certainly unable to obtain the much-needed equalizer before the referee’s whistle stopped the carnage.


I hope that I did touch you all with this tale of woe as I, in turn, did touch myself while writing it.


Weep now, weep!

Green Glade Hackers 2 - 1 Frati de Sange

‘They’re all a bit pale...’ whispered Twister Pine-Cone, nervously watching their opponents from across the half-way line.


‘Hark at her!’ crowed “Thoroughly Dubious” Duran from the sideline. ‘You need a bit of sun yourself, love!’ he sneered , still gripping his pom-poms in his broken fingers. He cast a withering glance at Wynona as she cartwheeled her way down the edge of the pitch. The cheerleader had the crowd on their feet, jeering and slavering in equal measure. Duran shook his head, ‘And you can watch your step an’all, yer dozy tart.’

‘GROUGH-RAAAAAR-GRRRRRRR!’ agreed Girth. But Girth was a tree and didn’t really understand what was going on.

Maybe it was the blizzard which swirled around in the roaring gale, but their opponents did look a bit pale, and Twister couldn’t help but find it a little unsettling, the funny spots which were dotted around the white pitch, deep red, turning pink as they spread...

‘I think they may be vampires,’ he continued, but Glorfindel was only half-listening, concentrating more on when to plant the ball.

‘Of course they’re bloody vampires! Now watch this!’

“Go Long” Glorfindel fired the ball down the pitch and it was lost in a curtain of snow before it even touched down.

The referee’s whistle blew the start of the match and, without him being aware of it, Twister Pine-Cone’s hand was nervously rubbing his neck...

By the end, the Hackers had to agree that it was a good game – a much-needed good game – after a rather uninspired start to the season. It was close, sometimes too close, but victory came finally without anybody getting killed, or worse, resurrected.

The Hackers would like to thank the Frati de Sange team for a great game and complement them on the spirit they showed throughout the match. (And if they could please return our cheerleader to us when they’ve finished with her, it would be much appreciated...)

Green Glade Hackers 2 - 2 Ashen Villains

The winds scoured the cursed grass, half-dead, of the Ashen Villains’ stadium. Heads bowed mournfully, the Green Glade Hackers didn’t notice its bitter teeth. Today had been Clooney’s funeral, and even the threat of their Dark kin could not wake them from their woeful gloom. The Villains revelled in their misery, pressing their advantage. Before the first ball had even touched the foul earth, they were upon their foes, hammering home a mocking touchdown, smashing the Wood Elves’ drive.


It was Stormwind, the strongest of them, the one called the Golden Tornado, who raised the Hackers from their deep grief-slumber. Two words, a whisper, carried to all with the timbre of song: ‘For Clooney...’

‘FOR CLOONEY!’ leapt up their reply, the light of the sun as reflected on a spring stream, burning deep in their eyes. A defiant equalizer burned too upon the scoreboard just moments later.

But the cunning and resourceful Villains fought back and fought hard. The Hackers strove to hold their tide at bay, but another touchdown for the Dark Elves was inevitable. The Wood Elves however would not be beaten. Not today. Not Clooney’s day! They pressed hard and once more won the equalizer.

‘Thoroughly Dubious’ Duran was brought low as an Ashen Villain attempted with some success to ram one of Duran’s pom-poms down his throat. It is thought that he will have to miss the next game while the Hacker’s newly-appointed tree surgeon attempts to remove it.

As the referee raised his whistle to his mouth for the final time, a chance came for the Hackers. Caught off-guard, the Villains had lost the ball and the Hackers were quick to take advantage. The ball was plucked from the feet of the Dark Elves, thrown down the pitch. Stormwind waited, so close to the end-zone that victory was inevitable, and she raised her hands to grasp the ball and score the winning touchdown...

And then she saw it, glimmering yellow on the side of the pitch... a single buttercup, sprouting from the hateful earth. A buttercup. Clooney’s favourite. Tears welled as the Wardancer remembered her friend, Clooney the Bear.

Then the ball hit her full in the face and everything was black.

Picking the Bones

Well, I have to say that the Bunker Bowl tournament last weekend was absolutely fantastic.  The Chelmsford Bunker really pulled out all the stops to make it a fun, friendly and exciting two days of Blood Bowl action.

As you will no doubt be aware if you read the last two posts, I had some fantastic games, albeit with some unfortunate results!

The thing is, that's what you can expect from Blood Bowl - nothing will ever go quite the way it's meant to.  And that's what makes it one of the most entertaining games to play.

I just want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who took part in the tournament, especially the opponents I faced - but more so, I want to give a huge thanks to everyone who gave their time to plan and run the event.  Awesome stuff!

Finally, although we may not have won many games, the Hackers and me did come away with the trophy for 'Best Painted Team', which for me (as an aspiring miniature painter) means far more than the coveted Bunker Bowl trophy itself.

But enough of Blood Bowl for a little while... My next post will bring news of an exciting new challenge:

The Space Wolves are mobilizing.

Reinforcements have arrived.

The Great Howling has begun...

Bunker Bowl 2010 - SPECIAL REPORT! (Part 2)

After a distinctly average performance yesterday, the Hackers hoped to pull out all the stops on the final day of the tournament. After two defeats already, the coveted Bunker Bowl trophy was almost certainly out of reach, but three wins today would doubtless place them in the upper half of the table. This would mean the Hackers’ best tournament ranking since the team was formed.


Only three obstacles stood in their way – the first of which were the Redback Shitbeaks.

GAME FOUR

Green Glade Hackers Vs. The Redback Shitbeaks

Skaven. Let’s face it, who really enjoys playing against the Skaven? They’re sneaky, they’re fast, they smell and the play dirty.

In fact, they play so dirty that almost immediately after kick-off, poor Athelan the Wild was being carried off the pitch!

After that, the first half was a galling and dreadful run of Skaven touchdowns, thanks to their fiendishly annoying Gutter Runners. Try as we might, we simply couldn’t stop them scoring (or get them off the pitch!!).

As consolation, we managed to scrape back two touchdowns in the second half, thanks to Stark-Elm the Reckless, but not before losing our catcher, Twister Pine-Cone to yet more nefarious Skaven antics.

FINAL SCORE

Green Glade Hackers 4-2 The Redback Shitbeaks

GAME FIVE

Green Glade Hackers Vs. The Grinning Moons

This game was a real crowd-pleaser, especially for the Hackers fans!

We knew from the start that this was going to be a dirty game, even as we heard the Goblin team’s chainsaw spluttering to life.

The danger was short-lived though as Stormwind, The Golden Tornado brilliantly assessed the impending gore-fest and cut it short by swiftly dispatching the chainsaw-wielding greenskin.

The Moons were left reeling by this and ‘Zipper’ Hare-Foot took full advantage by scoring his first touchdown of the tournament during their disarray.

That is not to say our casualty toll wasn’t tremendously high though, losing ‘Bloody Luckless’ Luthien, Athelan the Wild, ‘Thoroughly Dubious’ Duran and (most embarrassingly) Stark-Elm the Reckless to Goblin assaults.

In total, we only managed to inflict three casualties in return, but then we weren’t fielding the ‘special equipment’ that the cheating Goblins had managed to sneak onto the pitch.

In the end, they managed two touchdowns thanks to a couple of their players being launched down the pitch, but they couldn’t match our tally.

FINAL SCORE

Green Glade Hackers 4-2 The Grinning Moons

GAME SIX

Green Glade Hackers Vs. Middenheim Mustangs

The final game of this tournament was somewhat marred by disaster, almost from the start. Perhaps we were misled by our underestimation of the Human team. After all, they were relatively tough, but not as quick or agile as us. They certainly weren’t as hardy as a Norse team and our Treeman was more than a match for their Ogre. However, our Elvish arrogance proved to be our undoing.

The match started off well enough when Twister Pine-Cone danced through the Mustang line to score an effortless touchdown, but that’s where our good fortune ended.

In a cruel twist of fate, Stark-Elm the Reckless suffered a game-ending injury when he tripped and fell while breaking away from one of the Mustangs.

‘Zipper’ Hare-Foot followed him off the pitch soon after, smashed down by the sheer force of a vicious tackle.

Suffering a two-player deficit, we conceded a touchdown just before half-time, forced by the sheer strength, and the relentlessness of, the Mustangs’ pressing attack.

The second half brought more misery after Twister Pine-Cone was launched mercilessly off the pitch into the arms of the Mustangs’ fans. His game was immediately over, and it is at this moment uncertain whether he will be able to play Blood Bowl again. Or walk, for that matter.

Treeman, ‘The Outrageous’ Girth, missed most of the half after an extremely large rock was launched at kick-off – hitting him across the head and knocking him senseless.

Without his protection, most of the Hackers were knocked face-down into the dirt as the Mustangs simply walked down the length of the pitch to score their winning touchdown right on the full-time whistle.

FINAL SCORE

Green Glade Hackers 1-2 Middenheim Mustangs

Bunker Bowl 2010 - SPECIAL REPORT! (Part 1)

The day has finally arrived as Blood Bowl fans from across the Old World gather for the excitement and brutality of this year's Bunker Bowl tournament.
Twenty-four teams. Six games. Two days. One prize:

The Bunker Bowl trophy.

But is this glittering prize within the reach of the embattled Green Glade Hackers? Their recent slew of mixed (but mainly poor) results has certainly not filled their fans with confidence.
Surely their hearts sank when their first match was drawn against one of the most notorious Lizardman teams in the tournament.

Head Coach ‘Unlucky’ Lysenko reports in his own words:

GAME ONE:

Green Glade Hackers Vs. Bloxy Music

The Hackers always knew this would be a difficult match, and in a way, we were glad to have gotten it over with first thing.

Panic and triumph intertwined early on in the game when we lost ‘Thoroughly Dubious’ Duran to a violent Saurus tackle – but then scored our first touchdown of the tournament almost immediately afterwards.

Our hearts sank when we lost ‘Bloody Luckless’ Luthien almost immediately after the subsequent kick-off.

Two players down and only a quarter of the way through the game.

It was a nervy remainder to the half, but we managed to hold off the lizards until just before half-time when they unfortunately scored.

Our hopes rose once more when we scored half-way through the second half – only to once more have our hopes dashed, this time by the serious injury on The Auburn Assassin – a blatant act of vengeance which came immediately after our touchdown.

Sadly, just when a draw was in sight, we lost the game when our Treeman, ‘The Outrageous’ Girth, managed to fall over his own roots as he tried to take down a Saurus. This left a gaping hole in the middle of our line for one of their Skinks to run through, grab the ball from beneath our noses, and score.

FINAL SCORE:

Green Glade Hackers 2 – 3 Bloxy Music

GAME 2:

Green Glade Hackers Vs. Jagermonsters

If the first game was about being out-played, then this was definitely going to be about being out-crunched.

These Norse had a fearsome reputation for violence, even amongst some of the more hardened Blood Bowl coaches.

We knew that there was going to be a high casualty tally, but although four Serious Injuries was bad, it was nowhere near what we were expecting.

We were hammered hard in the first half, losing two players – Thrower ‘Go Long’ Glorfindel and fan-favourite, Clooney the Bear – one almost at the outset and the other towards the middle of the half. This blow was softened by the Norse losing one of their two werewolves, when one of our line-elves (who will naturally remain nameless) stuck out a foot and tripped the creature as he tried to dodge away from him.

Needless to say our fans were cheered up no end by this.

Unfortunately, as with the last game, we let through a touchdown in the dying seconds of the first half and went through to the second half needing to catch up.

Once more, touchdowns and injuries came hand-in-hand as ‘Bloody Luckless’ Luthien scored early in the half only seconds before ‘Thoroughly Dubious’ Duran took yet another injury.

The fans had to wait until the last minutes of the game to see Stormwind, the Golden Tornado – one of our fine Wardancers – score the winner, but in a fit of bitterness, the Norse fouled The Auburn Assassin out of the game, only for their player to be sent off for it.

FINAL SCORE:

Green Glade Hackers 2 – 1 Jagermonsters

GAME THREE:

Green Glade Hackers Vs. Far Sea Falcons

I don’t mind admitting that we were completely out-elf’d by this Pro Elf team.

A blow-by-blow account of this game would be almost impossible as the two teams danced skilfully across the pitch amassing numerous touchdowns and collecting many, many injuries for their trouble.

No matter how cunningly we passed and dodged though, for every touchdown we scored, the Falcons notched up almost two, though we came off a lot better on casualties.

Our star scorer of the match, with his hat-trick of touchdowns (which were our only touchdowns in the end) was Stark-Elm the Reckless, who had been rather quiet so far in the tournament but now seemed to have warmed up to the event.

‘Bloody Luckless’ Luthien, living up to his name, fell over his own laces and had to be stretchered off, while the Falcons’ Thrower managed the same feat later in the game.

Rather uncharacteristically violently, the Hackers managed to injure four of the enemy players, thanks to frustrated blocks by Stormwind, Girth, Twister Pine-Cone and Clooney the Bear.

The numbers advantage gained from these injuries could not however rescue the game.

FINAL SCORE:

Green Glade Hackers 3-5 Far Sea Falcons

So, the first day under our belts and a very mixed bag, really.  We expected defeat at the hands of Bloxy Music, were surprised to beat the Jagermonsters, but then really should have managed to defeat the Far Sea Falcons.  After seeing the injury tally we inflicted on them at the end of the game, perhaps we should have tried hitting them sooner.  Still, tomorrow is another day...

Coming Next:

The second instalment of our exciting and EXCLUSIVE Bunker Bowl 2010 report!!!

'We're Ready,' Vows Lysenko After 3-2 Victory.

Green Glade Hackers coach, 'Unlucky' Lysenko stood defiant this evening, vowing to cast away his unfortunate monicker when his team take to the field this weekend for the 2010 Bunker Bowl tournament.

His confidence was no doubt boosted by tonight's comfortable 3-2 win against the Lizardman team, Sobek's Raiders.

Treeman, 'the Outrageous' Girth, seems to have stoked fire in the bellies of these once-gentle Elves as they proved themselves the more violent of the two teams.  In fact, rather miraculously, the team ended the first half with all eleven players on the pitch!

'Thoroughly Dubious' Duran was their only casualty, his game ended by the armoured fist of one of the Raiders' Saurus players.

Evening the score, and more besides, the Elves and Girth managed to kill a Saurus and Skink - not to mention rendering a slew of players unconscious.

'It's very easy,' Lysenko warns, 'to pin all of our recent improvement upon the arrival of 'the Outrageous' Girth.  But the truth is, magnificent figurehead though he may make, it's the fact that the team has now gelled into a coherent and formidable group of players that makes them Old World-beaters.'

But fans now know that the time for talk is over.

Only Saturday and Sunday will tell whether the Green Glade Hackers are good enough to add silverware to their (rather empty) wooden cabinet.

Buy our weekend supplement for our special two-part report.

The Daily Wood:  Your OFFICIAL Bunker Bowl paper*.




*The Daily Wood is in no way affiliated with or linked to Bloodweiser, the Bunker Bowl Conglomerate or any of her sister companies.  All Bunker Bowl images are copyright 2010 Bloodweiser / B-Bowl-C.  Bunker Bowl is sponsored by Pip-Seed - The Taste Of The Yew Generation (TM).

Losing Streak Broken, Thrones Curse Remains.

Green Glade Hackers fans were elated tonight after their team's dire losing streak was broken by a 2-1 victory - relieving the growing pressure on head coach 'Unlucky' Lysenko.

Nerves were jangling as the Khorne-worshipping Norse team they were facing stomped, jeering, onto the pitch.

The hush of the Wood Elf fans predicted that their team weren't going to get out of this one unscathed.

And scathed they certainly were, to the tally of four Elves sacrificed to the glory of the Blood God during the course of the game.

Still, in an uncharacteristic feat of bravery and resolve, the Hackers managed to lead for much of the game, thankfully holding off a last-minute equaliser from their opponents, sealing a victory that managed to silence even the blood-thirsty calls of the Norse fans.

Despite this elation, a re-re-match against their old enemies, the Zharr-Naggrund Thrones ended in a 2-1 defeat, despite the Hackers taking an early lead.

Once more, coach Lysenko put the Chaos Dwarf victory down to a string of dirty fouls from the Thrones, leading to no less than two of their players being sent off.

'Wait until Bunker Bowl,' seethed Lysenko.  'I hope we draw those stunty, beardy thugs so that we can have our revenge!  We're just warming up!  With a nice mug of cocoa.'

Fans will not have to wait long to see if they will face the Thrones again as Bunker Bowl kicks off in less than a fortnight...

Coach Upbeat As Losing Streak Continues.

Green Glade Hackers Head Coach 'Unlucky' Lysenko has today defended yet another poor showing from the Wood Elf team.

Despite heavy spending on new players, namely treeman 'The Outrageous' Girth, the Hackers still failed to secure a win against Orc team The World Eaters, who beat them 1-0.

'All I can ask is that the fans give it time,' he begged at the post-match press conference.  'As a team, the balance felt right.  I can understand fans' frustration at the loss, but it was a narrow loss and the best we've played for a long while.'

He went on to blame this latest defeat on a lot of bad luck and one, he admits, poor coaching decision at the kick-off.

'We were too close when the Orcs received the ball, right from the get-go.  They made a Quick Snap and were right on top of us, ready to pound, before we even knew what had (quite literally) hit us.'

Fans agree, especially after watching three Line-Elves get killed in the first moments of the match, two from the very first Blocks.

Coach Lysenko however praised Girth for his outstanding work on the scrimmage line, keeping many of the Orcs and indeed the team's Ogre bogged down for the majority of the first half.

As if to cement the Head Coach's unfortunate-yet-apt nickname, an equalizer and winning touchdown were snatched away by a poor attempt to catch the ball and an unlucky trip at the end of the first and second halves, respectively.

When asked if he still believed that the Green Glade Hackers could win the upcoming Bunker Bowl tournament, Coach Lysenko was adamant:

'No.  But we won't come last either.'

New Blood Needed After 2-0 Defeat, Coach Urges.

Embattled Green Glade Hackers Coach, 'Unlucky' Darren Lysenko has urged the team's financiers that money needs to be spent if the team are to be in with a chance of performing at the upcoming Bunker Bowl Tournament.

The Hackers suffered yet another embarrassing defeat last night, to the jeers of both home and rival fans.  One Wardancer - Stormwind the Golden Tornado - was even booed by raucous Hackers fans as he was carried almost-lifeless from the pitch.

The Zharr-Naggrund Thrones - the Chaos Dwarf team which heralded the beginning of the Hackers' current run of bad luck - pummelled the Wood Elf team into a 2-0 deafeat, re-igniting calls for the sacking of the team's Head Coach.

'Unlucky' Lysenko urged calm, and called for reflection upon the team's recent defeats.

'We're getting crushed from the outset.  The minute the ball first hits grass, half our line are out of action.  We need something that can bolster our scrimmage line.  We need a Treeman!'

These calls have been welcomed by most fans, although some assistant coaching staff have expressed concerns about where the gold for such a high-profile purchase may come from.

'The thing is, tee-hee,' giggled Page-Tree stunna Wynona Cherry-Blossom, Hackers cheerleader.  'It's fine to talk about what we could do with all of these extra boys running around, but boys cost money, don't they?  What about m - ?  I mean, what about the rest of the coaching staff?  Are we going to lose ours jobs over this?'

Only one person can answer that question - and that person is the one voted most likely by fans to be out on their ear before the start of next season.

4-1? Oh, For The Love Of - !

Well, I played another great game of Blood Bowl tonight, but once again, the Green Glade Hackers were completely outclassed by - and by the end of the game, also completely outnumbered by - the Human team we were pitted against.

As you may have already guessed, we lost by a massive 4-1, almost as bad as last game's 5-1 defeat.

We really need to pull ourselves together before we enter October's Bunker Bowl Tournament at the Chelmsford Bunker (http://bunkerassault.co.uk/)!

The game couldn't have started much worse for us, losing our Thrower by the end of our second turn.

Things began to unravel at an amazing pace after that, with one of our two Wardancers being Blitzed to death before we were even near the end of the first half.

We went into the break 2-0 down and managed to score a consolation touchdown early in the second half, but we saw any chance of equalizing slip rapidly away as the Humans scored another two touchdowns in quick succession and another four Wood Elves were killed.

By the end of the game, we were outnumbered two-to-one!

A terrible, terrible day - but then that's Blood Bowl, and even though we were soundly mauled, it was still a lot of fun!

5-1! 5-1! 5-1! 5-1! (What...? AGAINST???)

Well, I suffered possibly the worst defeat I have ever had tonight.  My team was absolutely devastated by the Amazons.  The funny thing is, it's not down to us getting squished to a pulp - we only had one dead player by the end of the game (okay, it was a Wardancer, but still...) - we were simply outplayed and outclassed.

Nothing I tried against this team seemed to work, and the Hackers really felt a bit lacklustre and stale.  They just weren't playing like they usually do.

Where has the magic gone?  Of course, I blame the Coach.  I really need to come up with some new tactics and learn to be more fluid - reacting well to the situations I find myself in, rather than getting myself bogged down and trying to Block my way out of trouble - I know, Wood Elves?  Block?

I refuse to blame the dice, despite failing a tremendous amount for 2+ rolls.  After all, a good Coach will stack the odds so far in their favour that it won't matter if a few rolls go wrong.

Saying that, it was still a great game!

We managed to kill two of the opposing players in revenge for the drubbing that we were receiving, and asside from the one death and a couple of KO's, we were as sturdy as we've ever been.

I think a strong-worded team talk is needed to clear the air before we take things forward.

Bunker Bowl is approaching fast and we can be ready.  WE WILL BE READY!

GO HACKERS!!