Green Glade Hackers 4 - 1 Midway Monsters

The Hackers fans could find little to complain about tonight, especially as the Midway Monsters' promised Pain Train failed to turn up at the stadium.


It is true that the first few minutes of the match were filled with nerves for the elves, having not only a minotaur, an ogre and a troll bearing down on their front line, but also Bolgrot and his chainsaw and Fezglitch with his surreptitiously concealed ball and chain to contend with.


Both Hackers fans and Monsters fans feared for their star players, Stark-Elm the Reckless and Jarek Chi'll. Stark-Elm, who was recently voted No. 1 in Spike Magazine's 'Hottest On The Pitch' readers' poll, seemed especially nervous about preserving her million-crown body, whereas (if pre-match hype is to be believed) Chi'll was determined to dismember it.


It all looked good for the Monsters, winning the kick-off and sending every ounce of muscle, death and chainsaw immediately at the Hackers before they had chance to react. As expected, Bolgrot was instructed to take out Stark-Elm before she got anywhere near their prized Jarek Chi'll, but his most brutal strike managed somehow only to tear the Wardancer's outfit and reveal a tantalising strip of midriff - something that half the crowd were ecstatic about, while the more cynical among them felt that this was an utterly unrealistic publicity stunt. Either way, seconds later, Bolgrot was knocked to the crowd who, in their gratitude for the show of elf-skin, carried him jubilantly from the stadium on their shoulders.


'The Fez' was more successful, managing to knock treeman Girth off his feet in the first seconds and then proceeding to topple elves with every swing. It was the bravery of Clooney the Bear which saved the Hackers' game when, against all odds, he stood toe-to-iron-ball with Fezglitch and managed to knock him out cold.


After that, the Monsters crumbled, their dreams of a bloodbath evaporating before their eyes. In fact, after barely scratching an elf (though two were rendered unconscious for a brief spell), they found themselves on the receiving end of the Hackers' darker side, losing three players to 'the Green Fury(TM)'.


Goblin of the Match was awarded to the outlandish Leeroy the Wretched VIII for his consolation touchdown after being lobbed almost into the end-zone by ogre Terminator Burt.


Even the Wood Elves in the crowd were pleased by that one!


Sadly, the much-hyped fight between Stark-Elm and Jarek ended up as no more than a single strike, Stark-Elm feebly pushing Jarek as he danced past her, clutching the ball. Complaints were levelled at one match commentator who was heard to whisper off-mic to a colleague, 'Bloody Elves, they're all in it together...'


In an unrelated piece of news, investigations are now under-way to discover how the tree-biers of all twelve Hackers players managed to catch fire at the same time. The Monsters' head coach was not available for comment.