Any of the Hackers fans who packed their water wings and beach volleyball kits for their trip to the Pleasure Beach were sorely disappointed today. It really wasn’t quite what they had expected.
Although, true, those fans who enquired of the Slaaneshi supporters where they might buy a knotted hanky and a cider-flavoured iced lolly were more often than not bitten on the face, the violence on the pitch was far less rampant. In fact, by Blood Bowl standards, this match was rather tame. This of course suited the Hackers fans down to the (very green) ground, but it left the Chargers fans spitting with rage – so much so that many of them went straight out after the match and bought Northern Waste Betrayers shirts.
The only glimpse of any kind of serious injury came when one of the Chargers was sent off for their foul on ‘Zipper’ Hare-Foot, but luckily for the Hackers’ rising star, the team’s Apothecary was quick to sew him back together and churn him back out onto the pitch.
In the end, the Hackers fans certainly could not complain about the score-line. This was their best result of the season, despite facing a robust and cunning opponent, and the two Wardancers seemed happy to sit back in defence and harry the Chargers while allowing the team’s catchers to soak up all of the glory for once.
In spite of this tremendous result, the Hackers couldn’t help but feel dirty as they left the Pleasure Beach. Dirty, yet slightly aroused...
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Thursday, 24 March 2011
Green Glade Hackers 3 - 1 Dark Crag Assassins
‘Those bitches are mental!’ cried Stormwind. A little harsh, but then the Wood Elves never really were famed for liking girls. The Dark Crag Assassins liked to power forwards with their Witch Elves, punishing any players who strayed too close to the sidelines, and the Green Glade Hackers paid dearly at the hands of the crowd more than once.
‘Go Long’ Glorfindel managed to spend several stints in the reserves box after refusing to believe that any elf could be so fierce and it was only the sheer experience and skill of the Golden Tornado that prevented her from being ejected herself on at least two occasions.
The match was one of outrageous luck and shocking misfortune, most of the luck going to the Hackers and most of the misfortune... Well, it is an unlucky team indeed which can have a player trip as they tear into the endzone, only to then have to watch as one of the Wood Elf catchers manages to single-handedly shunt one of the aforementioned witches into the crowd, seriously injuring her, before a grinning Wardancer skips merrily up the pitch with the dropped ball...
In truth, the Dark Elves had done everything right, but somehow the gods of fortune which smiled upon them during the start of the season had now turned their eyes to newer wards.
Of course, being an Assassins game, the whole thing was marred by violence. Dacex Darkbull smashed the collar bone of Helfen Acorn-Doom so badly that his continued appearance on the team (after several previous injuries) is now in doubt. The Hackers also lost the Auburn Assassin from their next game after some poorly-timed acrobatics left him with a fractured leg – although it is thought that he will make a full recovery soon. The highest profile injuries were no doubt the two Witch Elves: Amber Warbull received a smashed hip from the Wood Elf stands while Sadie Nightrift, who was brought down by Stormwind, had to sit out the final minutes of the game.
All-in-all, a great result for the Hackers and – although disappointing for the Assassins – this is one that is destined to be a fan-favourite for some years to come.
‘Go Long’ Glorfindel managed to spend several stints in the reserves box after refusing to believe that any elf could be so fierce and it was only the sheer experience and skill of the Golden Tornado that prevented her from being ejected herself on at least two occasions.
The match was one of outrageous luck and shocking misfortune, most of the luck going to the Hackers and most of the misfortune... Well, it is an unlucky team indeed which can have a player trip as they tear into the endzone, only to then have to watch as one of the Wood Elf catchers manages to single-handedly shunt one of the aforementioned witches into the crowd, seriously injuring her, before a grinning Wardancer skips merrily up the pitch with the dropped ball...
In truth, the Dark Elves had done everything right, but somehow the gods of fortune which smiled upon them during the start of the season had now turned their eyes to newer wards.
Of course, being an Assassins game, the whole thing was marred by violence. Dacex Darkbull smashed the collar bone of Helfen Acorn-Doom so badly that his continued appearance on the team (after several previous injuries) is now in doubt. The Hackers also lost the Auburn Assassin from their next game after some poorly-timed acrobatics left him with a fractured leg – although it is thought that he will make a full recovery soon. The highest profile injuries were no doubt the two Witch Elves: Amber Warbull received a smashed hip from the Wood Elf stands while Sadie Nightrift, who was brought down by Stormwind, had to sit out the final minutes of the game.
All-in-all, a great result for the Hackers and – although disappointing for the Assassins – this is one that is destined to be a fan-favourite for some years to come.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Green Glade Hackers 4 - 0 Northern Waste Betrayers
The skies above Athel Loren darkened, its magnificent blues giving way to the pulsating, ever-changing hues of Tzeentch and the distressed Wood Elves knew for certain that Chaos had come to the forest...
‘Who’s that cow?’ asked the Hackers fans as they watched Dutch Rudder square up against ‘The Outrageous’ Girth. The minotaur’s hooves gouged the pitch and its eyes were misted with blind fury. Relentlessly, it attacked the Treeman, but its horns simply couldn’t pierce his ancient bark. And this, from the very start of the match, was a malady that did not blight the minotaur alone, but seemed to spread throughout the Chaos team. Some speculated that the Betrayers’ recent abandonment of Khorne had angered the Blood God mightily and that it was for this reason that none of these once-powerful beasts could harm even elves.
But Khorne’s curse ran deeper than merely weakening the Betrayers. Mired with foul fortune, nothing the beasts did would grant them a touchdown. Players tripped and fumbled their way around the pitch as the Hackers scored one, two, three, four touchdowns to give them their finest result of the season so far, a much-needed win after several lacklustre draws.
The Hackers wished their opponents well as they left the forest, offering gifts of luck charms and baskets of carrots for the minotaur. Their most valuable gift though was their sage advice.
‘Have you ever thought of trying Nurgle?’
‘Who’s that cow?’ asked the Hackers fans as they watched Dutch Rudder square up against ‘The Outrageous’ Girth. The minotaur’s hooves gouged the pitch and its eyes were misted with blind fury. Relentlessly, it attacked the Treeman, but its horns simply couldn’t pierce his ancient bark. And this, from the very start of the match, was a malady that did not blight the minotaur alone, but seemed to spread throughout the Chaos team. Some speculated that the Betrayers’ recent abandonment of Khorne had angered the Blood God mightily and that it was for this reason that none of these once-powerful beasts could harm even elves.
But Khorne’s curse ran deeper than merely weakening the Betrayers. Mired with foul fortune, nothing the beasts did would grant them a touchdown. Players tripped and fumbled their way around the pitch as the Hackers scored one, two, three, four touchdowns to give them their finest result of the season so far, a much-needed win after several lacklustre draws.
The Hackers wished their opponents well as they left the forest, offering gifts of luck charms and baskets of carrots for the minotaur. Their most valuable gift though was their sage advice.
‘Have you ever thought of trying Nurgle?’
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Green Glade Hackers 3 - 3 Lothern Dolphins
In a scandalous display of tit-for-tat, the Hackers almost refused to take to the field today. This was prompted by the refusal of the Lothern Dolphins to play until their savage woodland cousins removed their angry tree from the centre of the pitch. Not to be outdone, the Hackers demanded the re-styling of the Dolphins’ hair to something less ‘mincy’ before they would leave the dug-out.
In the end, after several hours and much tutting and hair-flicking, both teams were finally marched onto the pitch at spear-tip by the now-rioting fans. By the time the Dolphins kicked off, the clock had already run well into the first half and it had started to rain...
This match had been billed as Elf-Off: The Stormwind versus the Tsunami Defence, and the ensuing battle could surely leave few disappointed. The Hackers took the early lead before shaking the Dolphins’ confidence with a second touchdown during the High Elf drive. Unfortunately, seeing victory shining like the sun on pretty daisies, the Hackers let their guard slip and the Dolphins pranced home with a touchdown just before half-time, leaving them still well and truly in the game.
Spurred on by their half-time camomile, the Hackers tried once more to break the Dolphin drive with their newly devised ‘Tuna-Net Defence’. However, despite managing to catch the ball that he had just kicked, ‘Zipper’ Hare-Foot was swiftly beaten to the ground, resulting in a much-needed Dolphins equalizer and an injury that will leave him very doubtful for the next game.
Disaster struck for the Hackers in the last minutes of the match. With their usual burst of defiant athleticism, the woodlanders tore up the pitch with the ball to once more put themselves in the lead and most probably claim the victory. Stark-Elm the Reckless, despite his name, slowed as he reached the line, lest he aggravate any old injuries, leaving him vulnerable to the fabled might of the Tsunami Defence. When the wave struck, he was knocked off his feet just inches from glory and the Dolphins, in spectacular manner, launched the ball to the opposite end of the pitch and scored.
Stormwind, not to be out-done, used the final seconds of the match to show Stark-Elm the meaning of the word ‘reckless’. He charged forwards and surfed the Tsunami to the most unlikely of equalizers, saving face for the Hackers, though failing to prove that they were their cousins’ betters.
In the end, after several hours and much tutting and hair-flicking, both teams were finally marched onto the pitch at spear-tip by the now-rioting fans. By the time the Dolphins kicked off, the clock had already run well into the first half and it had started to rain...
This match had been billed as Elf-Off: The Stormwind versus the Tsunami Defence, and the ensuing battle could surely leave few disappointed. The Hackers took the early lead before shaking the Dolphins’ confidence with a second touchdown during the High Elf drive. Unfortunately, seeing victory shining like the sun on pretty daisies, the Hackers let their guard slip and the Dolphins pranced home with a touchdown just before half-time, leaving them still well and truly in the game.
Spurred on by their half-time camomile, the Hackers tried once more to break the Dolphin drive with their newly devised ‘Tuna-Net Defence’. However, despite managing to catch the ball that he had just kicked, ‘Zipper’ Hare-Foot was swiftly beaten to the ground, resulting in a much-needed Dolphins equalizer and an injury that will leave him very doubtful for the next game.
Disaster struck for the Hackers in the last minutes of the match. With their usual burst of defiant athleticism, the woodlanders tore up the pitch with the ball to once more put themselves in the lead and most probably claim the victory. Stark-Elm the Reckless, despite his name, slowed as he reached the line, lest he aggravate any old injuries, leaving him vulnerable to the fabled might of the Tsunami Defence. When the wave struck, he was knocked off his feet just inches from glory and the Dolphins, in spectacular manner, launched the ball to the opposite end of the pitch and scored.
Stormwind, not to be out-done, used the final seconds of the match to show Stark-Elm the meaning of the word ‘reckless’. He charged forwards and surfed the Tsunami to the most unlikely of equalizers, saving face for the Hackers, though failing to prove that they were their cousins’ betters.
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Green Glade Hackers 0 - 0 Uglow's Ironbreakers
‘This lot’s worse than the last buggers!’ the murmur in the stands went up from the Wood Elves which made up half of the modest crowd. Once more, the Hackers were facing the diminutive might of the dwarfs, this time on their own (depressingly stony) turf. However, not only was Flint Churnblade once more greasing up the gnarled teeth of his trusty chainsaw, but something much more menacing had rumbled across the stone pitch to the scrimmage line.
It looked like one of those new-fangled ‘Patented Modyrn Woode Chippyrs’ that had taken the Old World by storm, all spikes and wheels and groaning gears. The dwarfs were more succinct though, simply naming it the Elf Grinder...
The journeyman (or elf) in the cursed number 6 shirt broke out in a cold sweat as he stood in front of it and the first whistle blew.
The dwarfs started as they meant to go on, receiving the kick-off and flattening every elf they could get their hands on before even thinking of picking up the ball.
It was a slow, grinding, bloody half. Girth the Treeman stood proudly before the death-roller in the defence of his team-mates and was flattened, but he got up again. Then he was flattened again (and again) until eventually he was knocked unconscious for most of the rest of the game.
Meanwhile, the few elves who remained on the pitch after the initial onslaught managed to hold off the Ironbreakers until the last moments of the first half, when one of the dwarfs managed a spectacular interception followed by an equally spectacular throw. Unfortunatley, the inevitable touchdown was thwarted by the receiving player tripping as he ran over the line!
Half-time came and, having forgotten to bribe the referee beforehand, the Elf Grinder was ejected from the pitch. The dwarf fans cared nothing of this though, as the roar of Flint’s chainsaw echoed through the stands.
The Ironbreakers’ defence was almost unstoppable, allowing no easy path across the pitch for the nimble Hackers. Flint’s chainsaw raised a healthy (or unhealthy...) tally as it butchered its way through the elves, even bringing low Stormwind, the greatest of them.
In the end, fate sneered upon the Hackers as, seconds from the final whistle, Athelan the Wild tripped as she bolted for the line, ending the game with an echo of the dwarf’s earlier misfortune.
The crowd shrugged miserably, ‘that’s Blood Bowl for you,’ but such a lack of touchdowns, fouls and (more importantly) too many serious injuries on either side, left the fans sorely disappointed...
It looked like one of those new-fangled ‘Patented Modyrn Woode Chippyrs’ that had taken the Old World by storm, all spikes and wheels and groaning gears. The dwarfs were more succinct though, simply naming it the Elf Grinder...
The journeyman (or elf) in the cursed number 6 shirt broke out in a cold sweat as he stood in front of it and the first whistle blew.
The dwarfs started as they meant to go on, receiving the kick-off and flattening every elf they could get their hands on before even thinking of picking up the ball.
It was a slow, grinding, bloody half. Girth the Treeman stood proudly before the death-roller in the defence of his team-mates and was flattened, but he got up again. Then he was flattened again (and again) until eventually he was knocked unconscious for most of the rest of the game.
Meanwhile, the few elves who remained on the pitch after the initial onslaught managed to hold off the Ironbreakers until the last moments of the first half, when one of the dwarfs managed a spectacular interception followed by an equally spectacular throw. Unfortunatley, the inevitable touchdown was thwarted by the receiving player tripping as he ran over the line!
Half-time came and, having forgotten to bribe the referee beforehand, the Elf Grinder was ejected from the pitch. The dwarf fans cared nothing of this though, as the roar of Flint’s chainsaw echoed through the stands.
The Ironbreakers’ defence was almost unstoppable, allowing no easy path across the pitch for the nimble Hackers. Flint’s chainsaw raised a healthy (or unhealthy...) tally as it butchered its way through the elves, even bringing low Stormwind, the greatest of them.
In the end, fate sneered upon the Hackers as, seconds from the final whistle, Athelan the Wild tripped as she bolted for the line, ending the game with an echo of the dwarf’s earlier misfortune.
The crowd shrugged miserably, ‘that’s Blood Bowl for you,’ but such a lack of touchdowns, fouls and (more importantly) too many serious injuries on either side, left the fans sorely disappointed...
Thursday, 17 February 2011
Green Glade Hackers 3 - 1 Dwarf Warhammerers
As the near-record crowd gathered in the Hackers’ woodland stadium (Fire Safety Certificate in the post), the tension between the opposing fans mounted palpably. After all, the dwarfs sneered, these weren’t just posh, silver-clad, poem-reciting, spike-eared, tear-shedding, dress-wearing, horse-loving High Elves... these were Wood Elves, the Friends of the Foliage, the Lovers of the Leaves or, in the ancient dwarfish, Grun Dron Noh-Noh (Trans: Touchers of the Furry Folk). These lunatics didn’t even wear armour!
As the home team faced off against the Dwarf Warhammerers though, the jeers and chants of the crowd were but a distant murmur. The Hackers, having convincingly defeated the Grinning Moons in their last game, were fast hoping to become the giant killers of the league, if their opponents stood but a little taller, at least...
Their morale (and bowel control) loosened a little as they watched Flint Churnblade waddling onto the field, his balance up-ended by the roaring chainsaw that was brandished above his head.
‘Zipper’ Hare-Foot was in fact heard to comment when he saw the smoke billowing from the back of the dread-machine, ‘That can’t be good for the trees!’
Girth the Treeman was however, more worried about the other end.
As the game began, the shout of ‘ONE...! TWO...! THREE...!’ went up on the side-lines. It was not, in fact, the coaching staff timing the start of the elves’ plays, but rather the tally of touchdowns which the Hackers had managed to dance past the dwarf lines in quick succession.
Then the second half began, Flint cranked his chainsaw, and the payback began...
The dwarfs struck at the heart of their opponents with a surgical precision that would make even a Dark Elf assassin proud, with Flint chopping and booting his way through the elf lines until he was finally sent off for a blatant foul that utilized the assistance of no less than six other players!
By half way through the second half, most of the Hackers were languishing in the dug-out, either unconscious or badly hurt – but all of them quite thankful that they were still alive!
Once again, the cursed number 6 journeyman came off worse with a serious injury which ended his career for the Hackers, and all the while, the dwarfs inched slowly towards the end zone, eventually getting the ball over the line as the last of the spectators were donning their cloaks and heading for the exits.
As Bobart Fleetfoot looked up to the stands to celebrate his score, he realised that the Dwarf Warhammerers were the only people left in the stadium and that night had fallen.
As the home team faced off against the Dwarf Warhammerers though, the jeers and chants of the crowd were but a distant murmur. The Hackers, having convincingly defeated the Grinning Moons in their last game, were fast hoping to become the giant killers of the league, if their opponents stood but a little taller, at least...
Their morale (and bowel control) loosened a little as they watched Flint Churnblade waddling onto the field, his balance up-ended by the roaring chainsaw that was brandished above his head.
‘Zipper’ Hare-Foot was in fact heard to comment when he saw the smoke billowing from the back of the dread-machine, ‘That can’t be good for the trees!’
Girth the Treeman was however, more worried about the other end.
As the game began, the shout of ‘ONE...! TWO...! THREE...!’ went up on the side-lines. It was not, in fact, the coaching staff timing the start of the elves’ plays, but rather the tally of touchdowns which the Hackers had managed to dance past the dwarf lines in quick succession.
Then the second half began, Flint cranked his chainsaw, and the payback began...
The dwarfs struck at the heart of their opponents with a surgical precision that would make even a Dark Elf assassin proud, with Flint chopping and booting his way through the elf lines until he was finally sent off for a blatant foul that utilized the assistance of no less than six other players!
By half way through the second half, most of the Hackers were languishing in the dug-out, either unconscious or badly hurt – but all of them quite thankful that they were still alive!
Once again, the cursed number 6 journeyman came off worse with a serious injury which ended his career for the Hackers, and all the while, the dwarfs inched slowly towards the end zone, eventually getting the ball over the line as the last of the spectators were donning their cloaks and heading for the exits.
As Bobart Fleetfoot looked up to the stands to celebrate his score, he realised that the Dwarf Warhammerers were the only people left in the stadium and that night had fallen.
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Mortalis 3 - 2 Green Glade Hackers
The Hackers suffered their first defeat of the League today and its bitter sting chilled their hearts like the clouding of the sun on the gayest spring afternoon!
Alas! The leaves of Athel Loren wither from the drought of joy whilst the silver-singing rivers swell with the tears of the land!
Woe! The lark-song is silenced from the dawn as the carrion grow restless in the bows of the trees!
Weep, oh Brothers of the Oak and Sisters of the Willow! Weep, for this tale I scribe is the herald of our crashing doom!
Terror filled the hearts of the Wood Elves as the vile dead-things lurched onto the field yet, despite losing the toss, the elves were granted the first drive.
A touchdown came quickly, but it was a hard-fought victory, bought with the blood of the Hackers’ hired help. The team’s relatively novice apothecary shrugged as the journeyman was carried limply from the pitch.
Another touchdown followed, but this time for the undead, who managed to kill the Hackers’ part-time cheerleader, ‘Thoroughly Dubious’ Duran, maim Athelan the Wild and knock unconscious both Helfen Acorn-Doom and Twister Pine-Cone in the process of scoring.
With so few players still standing, Mortalis steamed ahead with a second touchdown, leaving the elves feeling, as Stormwind was to later put it, ‘rather gloomy’.
Half-time could not have come too soon...
As the second half began (foretelling the great calamity that was before them), the Hackers wondered why the recently-expired Duran could be seen in the Mortalis dug-out, chewing on the still-warm limbs of the departed journeyman.
The ball sailed down the pitch after the Hackers’ kick-off and the golden-haired Lady of Loren shone her light onto the elves, filling their hearts with merriment and joy, and they blitzed forward. Stormwind caught the ball before it even touched down and danced past the loping undead defence to score an equalizer.
The undead weren’t exactly quick to respond, but they were certainly relentless. They shambled through the elven defence, knocking them flat as they went. The only player not constantly planted face-first in the pitch was treeman ‘The Outrageous’ Girth, who did little during the match but get mummy-bandages tangled in his branches.
Despite their every effort to stop Mortalis, the Hackers simply couldn’t prevent them from scoring their third touchdown and, try as they might, they were certainly unable to obtain the much-needed equalizer before the referee’s whistle stopped the carnage.
I hope that I did touch you all with this tale of woe as I, in turn, did touch myself while writing it.
Weep now, weep!
Alas! The leaves of Athel Loren wither from the drought of joy whilst the silver-singing rivers swell with the tears of the land!
Woe! The lark-song is silenced from the dawn as the carrion grow restless in the bows of the trees!
Weep, oh Brothers of the Oak and Sisters of the Willow! Weep, for this tale I scribe is the herald of our crashing doom!
Terror filled the hearts of the Wood Elves as the vile dead-things lurched onto the field yet, despite losing the toss, the elves were granted the first drive.
A touchdown came quickly, but it was a hard-fought victory, bought with the blood of the Hackers’ hired help. The team’s relatively novice apothecary shrugged as the journeyman was carried limply from the pitch.
Another touchdown followed, but this time for the undead, who managed to kill the Hackers’ part-time cheerleader, ‘Thoroughly Dubious’ Duran, maim Athelan the Wild and knock unconscious both Helfen Acorn-Doom and Twister Pine-Cone in the process of scoring.
With so few players still standing, Mortalis steamed ahead with a second touchdown, leaving the elves feeling, as Stormwind was to later put it, ‘rather gloomy’.
Half-time could not have come too soon...
As the second half began (foretelling the great calamity that was before them), the Hackers wondered why the recently-expired Duran could be seen in the Mortalis dug-out, chewing on the still-warm limbs of the departed journeyman.
The ball sailed down the pitch after the Hackers’ kick-off and the golden-haired Lady of Loren shone her light onto the elves, filling their hearts with merriment and joy, and they blitzed forward. Stormwind caught the ball before it even touched down and danced past the loping undead defence to score an equalizer.
The undead weren’t exactly quick to respond, but they were certainly relentless. They shambled through the elven defence, knocking them flat as they went. The only player not constantly planted face-first in the pitch was treeman ‘The Outrageous’ Girth, who did little during the match but get mummy-bandages tangled in his branches.
Despite their every effort to stop Mortalis, the Hackers simply couldn’t prevent them from scoring their third touchdown and, try as they might, they were certainly unable to obtain the much-needed equalizer before the referee’s whistle stopped the carnage.
I hope that I did touch you all with this tale of woe as I, in turn, did touch myself while writing it.
Weep now, weep!
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